It’s been four years since the girls were born, but I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I found out that I was pregnant with twins at eight weeks. It’s hard to explain all the emotions because I was happy and scared at the same time.
I remember the doctor congratulating me on twins, and I think I said something like “are you kidding me?” It was quite surreal, I thought maybe if it was one? But two? There was no way I could support them and raise them on my own. I grew up without a father around or in a stable home and that was the main reason why I chose that to make an adoption plan.
I wanted to still be able to know them and be a part of their lives even if it wasn’t as their mom. I remember someone from my church told me and my mom about Tammy after they knew I was thinking about pursuing an open adoption. At first, I was unsure, but I called Tammy and it was such a relief, not only was it like a calm voice in a storm, but she really knew what it was like.
She sent me some portfolios of people and one stood out almost immediately. Even though I had a crazy pregnancy brain – I knew they were the ones. But at that time Tammy explained that they were already in the process of being matched. But she was patient and helped me not only with the legal side but, she also took the time to care about how my appointments went. Coincidentally, the adoption they were in process with fell through, so eventually I met them, fell in love with who they were and knew they were the ones to raise my twins.
Tammy helped from afar working on the legal paperwork, tons of phone calls and I just knew I could trust her, and I asked her to come when the girls were born. We made the birth plan (I didn’t know I needed that) which was super helpful. And we also made the adoption plan which was customized for me. The day before the girls were born, Tammy and I went out for breakfast and she explained what I could expect and helped me talk out all the things I was feeling. Excited to finally meet them, sad that it went by so quickly, sad at the fact that these were the last days that I had with them, and excited to finally see my feet again.
And then that morning came. Tammy was one of the last people I saw before the C-section, and the first face I saw in recovery along with Lynda and my mom. “They are so beautiful” is the first thing I heard.
Even though it was hard it was worth it. They were perfect. And I felt so incredibly loved. I don’t know what I would’ve done without Tammy. I had the twins for four days. Four days to say hello and goodbye at the same time, but I was never alone. I think that is what made the most difference. The last day I had the girls, I had to sign the papers giving up my rights. After that Tammy made everyone leave my room so I could be alone with them, to say everything I needed to say. I know that I poured my heart out to them. I told them how loved they are, how precious they are. How much that I wanted to parent them, but I wanted them to have so much more than I knew I could give them. I told them that even though this is goodbye for now, it means that I will always be here for them, that they are wanted, they are treasured, precious, loved. That they were never mistakes, but they were chosen.
There is one more thing that Tammy did for all three of us, that helped me so much, I can’t even describe how much significance this gift meant to me. Tammy gave us a gift of three stuffed bunnies. One for me and one for each of the girls. To this day I still sleep with that bunny when I miss them, and from what I hear the girls absolutely love their bunnies and sleep with them too. It really helped me also after the girls were born, when I went home that I had something to cuddle with – to hold onto even though I felt empty.
That week after I placed them was the hardest time I ever went through in my life. Incredibly hard, but I was never alone. I honestly don’t know what would have happened had Tammy not been there, but I wouldn’t have had anyone else. She is the absolute best, and cares so much about every birth mother so deeply. I wouldn’t recommend anyone else, because in my mind, there is no one else I would rather have by my side.